IT NEEDS TO BE SAID

My next birthday I will be 55 years old! It seems like just a few evenings ago that my wife had a surprise 40th birthday party for me, but when I look in the mirror every morning, reality sets in - I am reaching "maturity"! When one reaches this level of "maturity", one gets the right to make decisions about how he or she will spend their few week-ends left on this earth because this off-time becomes more precious. Week-ends are the time to enjoy the mountain house or a good SEC football game in the fall while relaxing on that special sofa. Some people love to fish or work in the garden. Others enjoy chasing a golf ball around a well-manicured cow pasture. There are others who must do all of their grocery shopping and errand running on week-ends because of the tyranny of their work schedules, but NOBODY enjoys going to weddings. They are usually scheduled right dab in the middle of a Saturday afternoon so that invitees cannot do anything before or after the ceremony. The week-end is ruined. Weddings are for the bride's mother! Family members and close personal friends should attend but PLEASE leave others out of this fandango. These words should bring silent cheers from those timid souls who would never broach this subject and that is why I have taken it upon myself to open this can of worms.

Firstly, there is not a snowman's chance in hell that the marriage will last! Most people today in America are practical atheists so if one does not believe that marriage serves something bigger than self, should we be surprised at the divorce rate. I have read that the divorce rate among Christians is just as high as among unbelievers, so would not a week-end be better spent shopping, fishing, playing golf or enjoying an adult beverage on the porch of a mountain house. In the 2 or 3 years right after I graduated from college, I was in about 20 weddings and had to rent a tux for each one. Today, I think about 1 or 2 of those couples are still married (to the same person anyway)! Do the math - that's 20 wasted week-ends in 2 or 3 short years.

Recently, I had the opportunity to sit down with my long-time buddy, confidant and mentor Mr. Ben Folk. I sought out his counsel on this subject because even during our time in college he was noted for his expertise in social discourse and was also noted for his innate grasp of the intricacies of the social graces. We even went as far as to place a call to the Captain of Charisma, Mr. Schuyler Floyd of Nashville, Tennessee. After hours of deliberation, we came up with a solution to this problem that people are too ashamed to discuss.

Since the wedding ceremony is for the bride's mother, the rest of the family should support this mother in her time of grief. This is why we decided, therefore, that only family members and extremely close personal friends should be invited. If it is absolutely necessary ( in rare circumstances) that others must be forced to attend, we suggest that the ceremony be planned for a Tuesday or Wednesday morning around the hour of 10 AM. This would give these unfortunate souls a valid excuse for regretting that they would not be able to attend, since most people (except Democrats) are at work on Tuesday and Wednesday morning at 10 AM. Also, we discovered that there is usually no problem whatsoever in securing that special chapel or auditorium for a week-day since most people get married on week-ends. Check this out for yourself and you will discover that popular places are booked for months in advance - but not on week-days. Airfares are also much less expensive if you look for late-night departures on week days.

So, there you have it. My friends, Ben Folk and Schuyler Floyd have done it again. They have taken a very complex issue and have come up with a simple solution. It is really this simple ... get married on Tuesday or Wednesday morning and catch a cheap flight out of town late that night for the honeymoon. And please - leave your friends alone! Ben Folk even suggested that there could be an "opt-out" clause in the invitation whereby invitees could simply send a check for $25.00 or have it charged to a credit card of their choice and in return for this fee, there would be no grudges held against the invitee for not attending. Do the math again ... $25.00 per invitee could really add up!

This needed to be said and I am happy to take up the torch for this cause! The truth is that you could have written this just as easily as me, but you are just too timid. We all know that you hate weddings also.

So the next time someone tells my wife that their son or daughter is getting married ( unless they are a family member or close personal friend), my wife knows exactly how to respond: "I would love to attend but my husband no longer attends weddings"!

You don't have to thank me. I just felt that I needed to do something for the betterment of mankind.

You are welcome!